The Scars Of Fitting In

A girl who hid under layers of makeup, for fear of her colour being mocked.

A young man ridiculed for acting pansy, who laughed at himself to fit in.

The artist who gave up his passion for singing, to sit at the cash counter of his Father's mithai store.

The quiet simmering spouse in a marriage, dragging it along.

The ambitious architect mother, who gave it up all; to fit in the domestic mould.

The wannabe biologist who had to live with dead crunching numbers every day.

We have heard such stories, read about them, and few of us have experienced it. That brings forth a point why do we do it? Not everywhere you fit in, is where you belong. Quite often, people force themselves to fit in where they  do not belong. Trying to fit in your square peg in a circle.

 A majority of us live all through our lives doing things, we are reasonably good at, not necessarily we would like to do or want to do or are passionate about.Occasionally, you pull on a relationship (including non-romantic ones) for sympathy or security, or simply because are afraid to speak up.

From a young age, knowingly / unknowingly we learn to adjust or fit in. 'Adjust kar lo' or fitting in, gives you a false sense of belonging. It is a cushion which makes you feel less lonely. A reassurance that says, " yes, you are one of us!" And for a while it feels good, the right thing to do. The society around expects you to be cut from the set mould, doing what is expected at every age and stage. Deviate and you are labelled an outcast, weirdo, not in sync with values, even immoral and irrational at times.

What happens when you try and fit in where you don't belong, to an idea, person, or a situation?

You lose interest. That's the first thing. It seems utterly boring. Over a period, you lose your sense of purpose, begin questioning yourself, "why am I into this?" Your growth as a person is stunted and confidence takes a back seat. You begin to feel empty and hollow from inside; remember, you can never pour from an empty cup. And above all, you never stop feeling like an outsider. After having spent considerable time not loving what you do, or who you are or with whom you are, you start getting complacent; this non-belonging seems to become your comfort zone. You are scared to push the boundary and break out of it. You begin to worry too much about what people would say, completely ignoring what you want, your heart wants. Trying too hard or not trying at all, neither makes you happy. You keep editing and trimming the edges to fit into the mould. You start living in a closed box, become generic. It scars you. The longer you ignore, the deeper the scar is. 

 And then.... just like that, there is a moment of epiphany! Almost miraculously, something somehow moves inside and you gather that last ounce of courage and will power, venture and take a small step with all your might, it comes to a point when the pain of belonging is far more than the fear of letting go. And at once, the light is visible at the end of the tunnel! The miracle happens.  Each one takes their own time and a different path. Some are always clear, others realise early on, yet others take years before taking one step towards their belonging. It gets suffocating at times and you want give up, but you don't. You survive. You learn. You are happy once again. Till then, you have got to take it all gently and patiently.

We have all had moments of self-doubt and questioning. I have had lots and still do. I have evolved (to an extent), moved on, embraced my weirdness. We owe ourselves an apology, each time we have tried to fit in. Take a deep breath( with your mask on, please), embrace your uniqueness and smile.

  It is important to belong, to an idea, a person, or a thought. But most importantly, belonging to your own self.  

And never to forget, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging!